Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
