wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
