im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
