He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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