You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
