I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
