Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
