and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
