Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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