I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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