best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
