I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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