Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
