She said her name was "party"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
