Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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