just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
