Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
