My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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