just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
