Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
