I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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