Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
