Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
