I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
