I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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