She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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