Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
