Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
