I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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