i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
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She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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