im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
