If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
