Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
