Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
