If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
