I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
