I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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