the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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