theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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