So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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