I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just pee around me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
