Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
