I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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