The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
