seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
