I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
