Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
we're so committed to being not committed
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
