he puts the penis in happiness.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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