Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
