So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
