I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
