I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
