When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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