oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
