Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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