I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
