I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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