Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
