break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
