I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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