New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
