My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
