i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
